I was brought up in a Christian home. My parents were very strict, and we observed the Sabbath and various traditions in a very ritualistic manner. My parents were very godly people, and I praise God for blessing me with them. The church we attended taught very clearly about the importance of the observance of the law. I could preach many a sermon on the relevance of the law today and how we will be judged by it, or at least that we do our best at keeping it and Jesus will do the rest. I was, in fact, a magnificent law keeper. You couldn’t find a better Sabbath observer, more obedient child, or a better church goer. According to the law, I was pretty good. In fact I believed in grace and that Jesus covered my sin when I confessed my known and unknown sins daily, hoping I remembered every one because if judgment occurred tonight I didn’t want to have any sin in my life. My worst fear was that judgment or Jesus would come and I would have unconfessed sin.

I loved Jesus and knew a lot about Him. I memorized texts constantly and spent much time in prayer and study. I was the epitome of the sweet church going, gospel singing, straight-laced girl. I was Miss Goody Two-Shoes. Yet, all the time I longed for more. I thought I knew what there was to know, but it wasn’t enough. My father felt the same way, and he also sought after God. When I was a child, he had a dream that changed his life, and eventually, mine too. In his dream, Jesus was coming, and looked at him, face to face. In that face he saw his best friend, and there were no words needing to be said, because Jesus knew every thought he had. It was as if they were communicating without words. My dad remembers Him telling him how much He loved him, and that He didn’t want to ever lose him. My dad’s whole focus changed, and he sought relationship with Jesus, not just knowledge of Him. As Daddy began to know His Lord, he shared this new knowledge of Him with me, and I longed to know Him like that too. I began to get so hungry, but didn’t know how to be filled. I knew there was more, but what?

About thirteen years ago, my nephew of nineteen years in age, was murdered. This devastated my family. My sister, his mother, who was of the same beliefs as I was, did not have the faith to handle such a situation. She needed more of God than she had. We all did. In her despair and grief, she began searching for more, and found her comforter, the Holy Spirit. She attended meetings where the Holy Spirit was invited, and she was filled with peace. She began to share this with us, and I remember thinking she needed to be careful. Daddy began to visit other church meetings with her, and I was so fearful that they would get caught up in something that was not of the Lord. I remember begging Daddy not to go. Well, praise God he didn’t listen to me. After returning, he told me all about it, and how it is what he had been seeking for. The answer was the Holy Spirit. We need not be afraid of the Holy Spirit, but invite him into our lives, and be baptized by him, and filled, for that is where relationship is, and that is where true communion with God begins.

I was so confused. I began studying for myself. I realized that what I believed had been taught to me by people and leaders. I realized that when I had studied the Bible previously I had not done it with an open heart and open ears to hear what it really said. I wanted to find out for myself, under the direction of the Holy Spirit, and be taught by Jesus Himself. As I began to read, the pages came to life and God began showing me things in a whole new way. I was so hungry, it was as if I had never read it before. The Lord began a new work in me in which step by step He showed me the true meaning of His law and grace. Two separate identities that can not be mixed at all. He showed me where I had been led astray by the church leaders. Through the power of His Holy Spirit, I began to see Jesus in a new light. My brother was experiencing the same thing and when we talked we found God was working out the same things in each of us and the Spirit moved in every conversation we had. We were terrified and thrilled at the same time. We had to basically take an ax to the root of what we had formerly believed, and receive Jesus afresh, and anew, and receive His death on the cross, as the total complete fulfillment of our debt.

There is absolutely nothing that we can do to deserve or earn God’s grace. It is His gift, and I had to come to the place of complete and total trust in His gift. So much so, that I could rest completely 100% in His sacrifice, and lay aside any ideas of trying to help Him out in any way. For you see, any endeavor or attempt I make at trying to fit myself for salvation, is not trusting in His sacrifice, but thinking my meager attempt is better. I must trust Him 100%. 99% Jesus and 1% me, isn’t good enough. Total dependence, total surrender, nothing less will suffice. What God was showing me was contrary to what I had been taught all my life. Yet as I studied, the word of God confirmed everything. It not only confirmed it, the Word of God was the source and the basis of what I came to believe. It became so clear. How could I have missed it? In my extensive obedience to the law and focus on it, I had neglected the purpose of the law and more importantly, total abundant grace.

This new revelation reeked havoc in my family, immediate and extended. Our families (both my husband’s and my own) have lived in the law/grace belief for many generations, and my newfound belief was very alien to them. I am seen as a rebel and pitied, for this once sweet straight-laced, churchgoing girl, is now rebellious and deceived. I could not go back. Once I found total complete freedom in Jesus, and total dependence on Him for my entire salvation, I experienced freedom. No more condemnation, no more guilt, no more worry about my future. I was a new creature!!!! I had not experienced this until I let the law take its place as being fulfilled in Jesus, and let God’s grace take its place in my life. On top of it, He filled me with His Holy Spirit.

Now, He is my all in all. It is my desire to walk with Him, every day, every minute, every second. He is my Shepherd and leads me on. He teaches, restores, and fills me. He corrects, disciplines, and loves me through it all. He is my dearest friend, my precious Savior, my confidante, the love of my life. He guides me, gives me wisdom, strength, courage, joy, and peace. It is because of Him that I can dance, sing, and love. How I love Him! All I can say or do now is bow humbly at His feet and cry Holy, Holy, Holy. Thank you, Jesus. Lynn